Joan Rivers ATTENTION Canada. "Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work" opens August 13th. Go see what all of America is raving about!!!!
3:35 PM Aug 3rd
Joan Rivers I love NY, but there are lots of rapes. My friend on West 93rd can't have sex with her husband unless he chases her down a dark alley first.
10:55 AM Jul 6th
Joan Rivers Mel Gibson is such an ass that street sweepers have to shine his star on Hollywood Boulevard with Preparation H.
7:53 AM Jul 28th
Joan Rivers Here are names Mel’s considering for his new persona: “Dr. Dreidel,” “Limp Brisket,” “Jew-Z,” and “50-Cent, But for You 35-C
10:32 AM Jul 22nd
Joan Rivers For my own amusement, I am playing Meryl Streep, playing Joan Rivers, playing the part of a partygoer in the Smurfs movie!
11:14 PM May 26th
Joan Rivers Is anyone aware that Lady Gaga’s meat dress from the VMAs is the first award-show garment ever to be USDA approved?
4:57 PM Sep 16th
Joan Rivers I hate buying gifts for old people. Do you know how many rolls of wrapping paper it takes to cover a coffin!?
4:18 PM Jun 1st
Joan Rivers This morning I said to Melissa, “You never call.” She said, “I also never visit or send you emails, doesn’t that tell you something?
11:42 AM Oct 2nd
Joan Rivers Had so many great jokes tweeted to me yesterday! I will be posting some honorable mentions through the week! Thanks for making me laugh!
9:59 AM Aug 10th
Joan Rivers Lindsay Lohan had "Fuck You" painted on her nails. What people don't know is that the judge had "Eat me you party skank," painted on hers.
2:14 PM Jul 9th
Joan Rivers CORRECTION!! In Australia and New Zealand, tune in to E! at 7pm on Sept. 11th to see FASHION POLICE!!
2:41 PM Sep 10th
Joan Rivers Lady Gaga has totally turned fashion on its ear. She hasn't worn the same thing twice since she was in diapers.
8:03 AM Oct 1st
Joan Rivers My eye doctor has raised his prices! He claims to have remodeled the waiting room but none of us in here can tell.
9:32 AM Sep 28th
Joan Rivers Vegas has changed! I remember the town before it became all about sex and drugs. Nowadays a high roller is a hooker on cocaine.
12:19 PM Sep 30th
Joan Rivers J-Ro: I just had my 1st bowel movement since I got to rehab. The lack of drugs sure can constipate! Lost 3 pounds though. Whoopee! xoxo LiLo
2:26 PM Aug 19th
Joan Rivers Women in LA are lazy at tennis. They hit the ball, drink iced tea. Hit the ball, drink iced tea. Games end when they run out of Sweet & Low.
8:23 PM Sep 4th
Joan Rivers I'm back on late night TV! Taping the Late Show with David Letterman today. THRILLED. Tune in Thursday, July 22nd!!!
12:19 PM Jul 19th
Joan Rivers I saw the worst drag queen in NY today.She needed to be more careful "tucking." It looked like she had Gary Coleman stuffed down her dress.
4:19 PM Sep 9th
Joan Rivers No matter what you look like, enjoy your body. I just checked my ankles--so "Old Lady"! Support stockings are suddenly are becoming a plus.
1:07 PM Aug 27th
Joan Rivers Thanks UK for all the weather reports. Let me get this straight-its currently raining in London??? Shocking….
3:37 PM Sep 6th