Stephen Colbert if jesus was an alien, he'd have said "turn the other five cheeks"
10:04 PM Dec 1st
Stephen Colbert kids who don't want to be child laborers are nothing more than artful work-dodgers
8:41 PM Nov 17th
Stephen Colbert i didn't see the lost premiere last night so i have no idea what happened. much like the people who did see it
7:38 PM Feb 3rd
Stephen Colbert voters will reward democrats who vote against healthcare just like in '94, when they offered them lucrative lobbying jobs
8:42 PM Mar 10th
Stephen Colbert giant blizzard slams the northeast. great guerilla marketing, dairy queen
8:34 PM Feb 10th
Stephen Colbert i think there should be a version of figure skating with hurdles
1:41 PM Feb 25th
Stephen Colbert i hope corporations expand their influence in government. then maybe the three branches will be known as the hidden valley branches
8:41 PM Feb 9th
Stephen Colbert i can't tell you how much i'm looking forward to my week off. i finally get to watch my show, which is really excellent i hear
11:40 PM Mar 22nd
Stephen Colbert china just had its first gay marriage. glad to see we've begun outsourcing our sins
11:54 AM Jan 15th
Stephen Colbert next thing on-notice: "whiskers on kittens." sorry, julie andrews. i was with you on "raindrops on roses," but then you lost me
8:57 PM Feb 25th
Stephen Colbert president obama authorized offshore oil drilling. evidently, our coasts have vast reserves of republican congressional votes.
7:23 PM Apr 1st
Stephen Colbert now I won't have to go through the hassle of both feeding my cat and changing the litter. with this new corn litter, it's one and done
8:51 PM Mar 16th
Stephen Colbert if america goes the way of greece, we'll be ending all our words with "ous." that's ridiculous! omg, it's already started
8:38 PM May 10th
Stephen Colbert even better than obama's message of hope? the republican party's message of nope
8:38 PM Dec 9th
Stephen Colbert in case you're wondering, it takes 472 tubs of vick's vaporub to create a menthol comforter.
8:35 PM Jul 5th
Stephen Colbert Cash saving tip: if your ascot frays around the edges, make your butler pay his own bus fare when he buys you a new one.
7:11 AM Oct 7th
Stephen Colbert I believe Sexy Hotdog Man was cobbled together from hooves and lips of other mascots.
8:46 PM Sep 9th
Stephen Colbert now that mike bloomberg has been re-elected mayor, he can fulfill his campaign promise to clean up the streets of mike bloomberg fliers.
10:46 AM Nov 5th
Stephen Colbert whoo-hoo! new york city is number one in rat population. kL:JDg4tgrvAERTC sorry - one just ran across my keyboard
6:31 PM Nov 3rd
Stephen Colbert today's wall street journal really got me with their april fool's day front page: "ceos see pay fall again" hilarious!!!!
8:58 PM Apr 1st