Michael Ian Black If you're happy and you know it you're drunk.
1:02 PM Jun 11th
Michael Ian Black My wife is a lot more understanding about this guy Snowden's motives than she was about mine when I read her diary.
8:27 AM Jun 11th
Michael Ian Black I am now fully committed to never getting out of bed again.
10:49 PM Jun 10th
Michael Ian Black Maybe UFC fighters have all that aggression because they have to dress like that.
8:10 PM Jun 10th
Michael Ian Black If I'm really honest with myself, I don't deserve fruit kabobs.
11:40 AM Jun 10th
Michael Ian Black What I lack in physical strength I make up for in lack of endurance.
12:30 PM Jun 9th
Michael Ian Black Just checked Charlie Sheen's Twitter page to see if he is still using the word "epic." Good news: he is.
10:04 PM Jun 7th
Michael Ian Black Glad I'm not allergic to peanuts because then somebody would go, "Wait, you're allergic to penis?" And then everybody would laugh at me.
5:53 PM Jun 7th
Michael Ian Black I'm indoors. My waiter is wearing sunglasses. Yet somehow I feel like the asshole.
5:44 PM Jun 7th
Michael Ian Black AMBER ALERT: I AM ABOUT FIFTY FEET AWAY FROM MARIO LOPEZ
11:12 AM Jun 7th
Michael Ian Black "I don't know, what do you want to eat?" - helping out the NSA with a summary of all my phone calls.
9:57 AM Jun 7th
Michael Ian Black Yes, kids say the darndest things, but let's not forget they also say some pretty stupid shit, too.
10:18 PM Jun 6th