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Justin

  • Twitter: @shitmydadsays
  • Web: http://www.twitter.com/justin_halpern
  • Bio: Author of Shit My Dad Says and, coming May 15th, my new book I Suck At Girls. My dad's in it, don't worry. This account is where I publish the shit that he says
  • Followers: 3,105,711
  • Friends: 1
  • On Twitter Since: August 3rd, 2009
Justin My dad's been working on a novel for 40 years that's finally coming out. I asked him to tell people what it's about: http://t.co/n1o4CFTTxb
9:56 AM May 28th
Justin A short story about why my dad doesn't celebrate Valentine's day: http://t.co/RSn7RlvX
2:27 PM Feb 13th
Justin "I like babies, just saying they live inside a host body and feed off it. That's a parasite...Yes, I could raise a tape worm and love it."
11:30 AM Dec 4th
Justin "Anyone who thinks they know what's best for 300 million people is a titanic asshole. So we're just voting for king of the assholes."
9:33 AM Oct 11th
Justin "The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
1:16 PM Aug 20th
Justin "No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
10:41 AM Jun 22nd
Justin "No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you." (New book out now: http://t.co/mJOlfJRZ)
1:41 PM Jun 14th
Justin "We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
10:55 AM Jun 4th
Justin "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice." New book #ISuckAtGirls out today. An excerpt: http://t.co/e7MIjXgl
12:10 PM May 15th
Justin "No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
10:20 AM May 11th
Justin "No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it." Pre-order new book http://t.co/NMNaDkNc
12:48 PM May 1st
Justin "No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you." Pre-order new book: http://t.co/NMNaDkNc
12:06 PM Apr 24th
Justin "You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the dog shit.” Pre-order new book: http://t.co/NMNa
11:04 AM Apr 17th
Justin "No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9. http://t.co/VgZA030W
9:44 AM Apr 5th
Justin "You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
9:07 AM Mar 23rd
Justin "Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you." A short story about my dad's thoughts on sports. http://t.co/m7a5TS1M
8:54 AM Mar 7th
Justin "Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
9:40 AM Feb 8th
Justin "These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."
10:56 AM Jan 4th
Justin A response to my dad's question, "What happens when they cancel a shitty TV show like yours?" http://t.co/2HzXdGQC
10:41 AM Dec 20th
Justin My dad explains why he thinks internet comments will end the world. http://t.co/h7g0FY3F
11:01 AM Dec 5th

Iconic Level

44%

Separated At Birth

The tweeter most often mistaken for Justin:

Dane Cook

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